You pudding of a woman!

So you think I'm a loser? Just because I have a stinking job that I hate, a family that doesn't respect me, a whole city that curses the day I was born? Well, that may mean loser to you, but let me tell you something. Every morning when I wake up, I know it's not going to get any better until I go back to sleep again. So I get up, have my watered down Tang and still-frozen Pop Tart, get in my car with no upholstery, no gas and six more payments to fight traffic just for the privilege of putting cheap shoes on the cloven hooves of people like you. I'll never play football like I thought I would, I'll never know the touch of a beautiful woman, and I'll never again know the joy of driving without a bag on my head. But I'm not a loser. Because despite it all, me and every other guy who'll never be what he wanted to be, are still out there, being what we don't wanna be, forty hours a week, for life. And the fact that I haven't put a gun to my mouth, makes me a winner!

It's that time....Christmas time is here...

Everybody knows there's not a better time of year...

Blasted ringworm...

As the cringing words echo in my head over and over and over again....

You've been booted, you'll need to pay $__ before I can release it....

I can't help but feel this is someone else's fault....WALMART!!!! Why do you come to me to die? WHY do you come to ME to die????

I thought I got Mono once...turned out I was just bored...

Thought about babies today; thought about how they all look the same when they come out; thought about some of the similarities of newborn babies:

1) they are all gooey upon exit
2) they all smell like feet
3) they all cry
4) they all have scrunched up faces like sweet little ole ladies

I'm sure there are more, and I'm sure I'll recognize them as time goes, but how do parents tell their babies apart from the other ones? I've heard horror stories of how babies got mixed up in the hospital and taken home with the wrong families. Could you imagine the horror of finding out you grew up with the wrong people? My gosh! Imagine growing up with a crappy family that abuses you, only to find out that your real family are rich and loving. I would hate life, and I would try and make everyone around me as miserable as I could.

My parents (at least I think they are my real parents) told me that they couldn't find me for a couple of hours because I was lost amongst the sea of similar babies. They only found me because of the God given wart on my face. I used to hate that mole before it was removed, but I never thought that It could have been the means of saving me....

My boss and I talked today about having a baby...no we aren't planning on begetting and conceiving together! She mentioned to me that she has been feeling pressured to have a baby. Her and her husband have been married for two years; she feels like she wants to go out and experience the world before dando a luz, but her family members think its time to start popping out the babes. I got to thinking about all the pressures of having children that Cali and I face, and I realized that we don't have any! We have great family members that know we have better things to do than take care of babies, and they haven't given us a hard time about it at all. Even after 5 1/2 years (way beyond the norm), we still feel like they respect our decision to wait; for that we are thankful to them.

Who art thou???

People can be unpleasant, right? We are not all going to agree on the same things; not always going to share similar opinions. That's what makes us function in a society in which our freedoms are abundant. Gotta be grateful for that. There are also those people that make every effort possible to try and dissuade your decisions when they feel an overwhelming concern for you. Who are they? ALL OF US! I'm for that! I get it! When I have a teenage daughter, I doubt she will have the experience and enough rational ability to understand that "Spike" with the tattoos all over his face is probably not the most ideal mate at her age. I'm sure I will do everything I can to deter her from seeing him.

Then there are those who feel their lot in life is to belittle and derail your ideas, faith, opinions, and views in such mean ways. They have spent a substantial amount of time "discovering" something about your way of thinking, that they feel the need to inform you of it. First, their minds aren't functioning right if they use destructive techniques to try and sway you, so why would one ever feel their views are even rational enough to believe? Second, the information they get most likely comes from inadequate sources that's sole objective and agenda are to destroy what others think (Socialistic views?? bordering on fascism?? In a weird way, right??)

I think society would function much better if people allowed others the freedoms that they are entitled to without thoughts of skewing them to match their own narcissistic beliefs. So for all of you who feel the need to step into others' lives unwelcome, keep your misery-laden, hate-mongering, "jihadistic" propaganda to yourselves...it's unnecessary.

"Suicide is painless..."

I’ve been thinking a lot about suicide lately…no I’m not considering it, but the idea of a person taking their life, as morbid and taboo as it is, interests me. I don’t think that suicide is ever a good thing. I think it is a permanent solution to a temporary problem – for the most part. I think that society and the world look down on suicide because the majority of people will never consider it; therefore, it is never approved.

But my heart goes out to those people that for some reason or another cannot escape the demons and heartaches that torment them. Those who literally hate themselves. Those who feel worthless in this world. Those who cannot see a future in which they can overcome their inadequacies. My heart goes to those that are so full of depression and self-loathing, that they cannot live a normal, productive life.

I don’t think suicide is always selfish. A lot of people take their lives because they feel that leaving this world will somehow benefit another person by breaking down a barrier of some sorts that is currently keeping the other person from progressing or reaching their full potential. It seems to always be accompanied by extreme self-hatred.

I believe that murder-suicide is ALWAYS selfish and NEVER justifiable. Take for instance Nidal Hasan, the gunman at Fort Hood who killed 13 people and injured 30 others. Or the many radical Islamic suicide bombers. They have absolutely NO human right to kill another person for the reasons they do; however, they do have the right to kill themselves if they so choose. They are NEVER doing the world, themselves, or mankind a favor by taking others with them.

Cinema Delights...

I have been reflecting on the past 63 years of my life lately, and I have come to realize how important movies have been in shaping not only my character, but our culture as well. At times we take for granted the lessons of life we can learn by watching films. Here are a few....

Major Barton Mansion Update...

You may have seen the video of the Barton Mansion ghost that was captured by a couple of hooligans as they investigated a supposedly haunted old castle. If not, here it is:



Many claims have surfaced that this video is either a fabrication or just some creepy guy in a big robe holding a lantern, possible performing some ritual. These claims seem to have been substantiated as investigators have now uncovered real footage of what actually went on during that encounter...turn up your speakers....beware...this is the footage they did not want you to see...

"Lawd 'ave mercy pan Miss Percy."
Translation: "Lord have mercy on Miss Percy."

Nothing's gonna keep this kids from survivin'

The King of Kong...

Have you ever woken up in a sweat because you had a terrible dream about Donkey Kong? Lets say you set a Kong world record with 800,000+ points back in the early 80's. You held onto that record for over 20 years. But then some shmo from Washington, who was just laid off from his job, has nothing to do, so he buys a Donkey Kong arcade machine with the hopes of beating your all-time record. For the next couple of months, he studies the ladders, barrels, fireballs, and elevators that are mere obstacles in his way of become a champion. He now poses a threat to your reputation and ego. He ends up beating your score, and your life falls apart. Have you ever had that dream? These guys have...



If you're bored on a saturday night, I would recommend this fabulous documentary about one man's quest to become the Donkey Kong champ. In fact, I would recommend it even if you're not bored.

Home Shopping Mishaps...

Each of us has seen a home shopping network segment where we have been amazed by the great features of a product they are promoting. These networks are very good at making these products seem as though they are the best thing you can invest in. You have also heard occasional callers ring in and just praise the sin out of these products with their incredible, sappy, suck-up, amazing plastic attitudes. As perfect as they want these to be, sometimes things just go awry with the products themselves and/or the callers. Here is my list of favorite "next day meeting topics" in the fabulous, untainted world of Home Shopping:

1. Dell Crash



2. Durable Ladder?



3. Not-so-hot Samurai Skills



4. Lovely Door Chime



5. Another Ladder Great



6. Young Lust

So long Cone Bone...

This is a tribute to the funniest television host of our time.

Here is Wally relaxing on my lap.

Huh...

1. WERE YOU NAMED AFTER ANYONE? I believe when I first exited the womb, I was holding a deck of cards and riding a huffy...so no I was not named after anyone.
2. WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU CRIED? A couple of months ago when I was in the front of the pack at yoga. I couldn’t tell if I liked it or was being violated.
3. DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING? No, it is dangerously close to Tahoma.
4. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE LUNCH MEAT? Honey ham
5. DO YOU HAVE KIDS? I hope not.
6. IF YOU WERE ANOTHER PERSON, WOULD YOU BE FRIENDS WITH YOU? Probably not. I’m a jackass.
7. DO YOU USE SARCASM? No.
8.DO YOU STILL HAVE YOUR TONSILS? Yes
9. WOULD YOU BUNGEE JUMP? No, but I would collect my toenail clippings if I were old enough.
10. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE CEREAL? Raisin bran
11. DO YOU UNTIE YOUR SHOES WHEN YOU TAKE THEM OFF? No
13. WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE ICE CREAM? Neapolatin
14. WHAT IS THE FIRST THING YOU NOTICE ABOUT PEOPLE? whether or not they are hotter than me.
15. RED OR PINK? A pinkish hew
16. WHAT IS YOUR LEAST FAVORITE THING ABOUT YOURSELF? My genius mind. I'm just too damn smart for most people.
17. WHAT ARE YOU LISTENING TO RIGHT NOW? Bill O Reilly pulling it out his bum.
22. IF YOU WERE A CRAYON, WHAT COLOR WOULD YOU BE? Communist red
23. FAVORITE SMELLS? Hospital emergency rooms, city mourges, state prisons...the san francisco bay...
26. FAVORITE SPORTS TO WATCH? Football
27. FAVORITE FOOD? Parsley, Sage, Rosemary, and Lowery's seasoning salt.
32. LAST MOVIE YOU WATCHED? Howard the Duck
35. HUGS OR KISSES? I'll take a smooch over a hug anytime
39. WHAT BOOK ARE YOU READING NOW? Individual Income Taxes
41. WHAT DID YOU WATCH ON TV LAST NIGHT? Conan O Brien
42. ROLLING STONES OR BEATLES? Who are those guys...
44. WHAT IS THE FARTHEST YOU HAVE BEEN FROM HOME? Ecuador
45. HOW DID YOU MEET YOUR SPOUSE/SIGNIFICANT OTHER? Rehab

CCCHHHHUUUUNNNNKKKK...

The other day at the gym I had quite the weird experience. We were finishing up our workout when I noticed my buddy was very tired. He didn't sleep very well the night before and it was taking a toll on him the next day. I said, "Hey Jared, you look beat." he shook his head in agreement. Just then a guy that we had never seen before walked up to me with a smile and mumbled something. He looked like sloth from the goonies without too much of a disfigured face. I thought he was excited about having a good workout and wanted to tell me about it, but I heard nothing but mumbles. So I smiled at him and politely responded, "I'm sorry. What was that?" He replied saying, "Take it back...you called me weak!" I was a little confused and said, "No I was talking to my friend over there." He then said the most retarded thing another human can say to another. "GOOD! I'm not weak." Then he walked away.

It was by far one of the weirdest, most spooky encounters I have had with anyone. Apparently this gentleman thought I had said something like, "That guy is weak." instead of "You look beat."

The very first thing I thought afterwards was that he was the kid that wore capes and read fantasy books during lunch in high school and got picked on by jocks. Now he was out to prove to the world that he was no longer gonna be bullied, but he was gonna do the bullying. He must have thought it was a good opportunity to show his manliness. I honestly felt really sorry for the guy and I hope he is able to put off his insecurities and learn to interact with people in a respectable manner.

AAAAAHHHHH...

two down...one blasted more to go. Goin' for that thumbs up...thumbs up.

Oh Wally...

This is Wally helping me do my homework. Apparently he knows best...

***RIP OFF REPORT***

I came across a hilarious rip off report regarding wal-mart and their faulty security systems. I couldn't believe how much time this complainer put into compiling this accusation, but amazed nonetheless. It's a little long but worth it. Click here to read it:

http://www.ripoffreport.com/reports/0/311/RipOff0311948.htm